The past few weeks I have been struggling, a lot. I have felt disappointed, betrayed, alone, and frankly it was hard to find the positive in life. Life felt so out of control and I felt so much fear for the future. My husband has a pornography addiction that has been present in his life for several years. He has been fighting for the past five years and let’s just say some days you wonder if you’ll see an end to it. In addition to this my husband’s and my faith has been differing in several regards. My faith being my foundation of my life, this shook me to the core. This has been one of my greatest fears is for Christ to become less important to my family. Fear crept into my mind of what the future would hold for us in raising children when we struggle so much without putting children into the equation. I felt so heavy and wondered: Is this just too much? Are things going to change for the better? Am I capable of handling the current changes that are occurring in our marriage? I suddenly felt too weak for it all and felt like I was giving in. Everything pointed to divorce. “This isn’t a sustainable lifestyle” I thought, “This is a much different marriage than I thought it would be.” I started to think of how reasonable it was to divorce, and although it saddened me greatly, I felt justified and thought it might just be for the best.
I had been praying and searching for answers from God, but every time I prayed I felt like there was nothing. No guidance, no answer, just more confusion. It was frustrating. I finally broke and told my husband “I don’t think I can do this. I think you picked the wrong wife. I don’t know that this will work.” I was much to overwhelmed. My husband said, “I know this marriage is not what you expected, but maybe you need to change your expectations.” What?? I thought. If I lower my expectations then I feel like I’m giving in to being less than what this marriage can and should be. No. These are my deep desires and you can’t take them away, I thought.
When I woke the next morning, I said goodbye to my husband as I left for the gym. As I stared at my tired, sleeping husband, a voice in my head said, “What if your life doesn’t have to look like you thought it would.” When I heard that voice I felt like I almost saw this perfect mirror shatter with light peaking through behind. Something in me clicked.
What if life isn’t like you thought it would or should be, but what if that’s okay? What if your family isn’t perfect, but you love it anyways? What if your lifelong hopes and dreams were good ones but simply not the right ones for you? I spent so long holding, and I mean holding TIGHT onto what was my lifelong goals and dreams for my family. I could literally paint a picture for you and tell you just how I wanted it to look. It seemed like sunshine and roses and happiness on the other side of my dream if I could just. get. to. it. I told myself I wouldn’t stop till I got to the other side. Well, what I failed to realize was how much beauty I had right in front of me. No my life isn’t a perfect view of a peaceful, gorgeous sunset each day. No there aren’t perfect daisies and tulips growing everywhere. There are wildflowers, there are rainy days. But I realized that the wildflowers are beautiful. A different beautiful then what I had in mind but they are absolutely amazing. The rainy days although not perfect also have a peaceful feeling that is incomparable to a sunset.
I felt like someone had unlocked a chain that was binding me down. Because, for the first time I feel free. Truly free. I am allowed to love the good and the bad. Life doesn’t have to be what I thought it would be for me to feel happy. I am happy. I am good. My husband is wonderful. Our family of two is incredible. I didn’t want to let go of my expectations in fear that life wouldn’t be what I wanted. In fear that my children wouldn’t be raised how I wanted. In fear that I wouldn’t be loved and treated how I wanted. But my tight grasp on this idea, this illusion, this fantasy had become a tight, suffocating grip. How often do we do that to ourselves? Hold ourselves to a standard that is impossibly high, and it’s not till we become depressed that we realize how high we have set our expectations for life.
Today let go. Let go of what you want. Let God take the reins. Feel the peace of knowing that life doesn’t have to go how you want, to be free. To be happy. There is beauty in all of life. There is joy to be found in every situation. You don’t have to wait for the rain to clear to enjoy the beauty of what’s right in front of you. Live in each moment. Allow yourself to be free of the expectations of yourself and others. And be happy.
How to Keep Your Head Up High 